I saw this on Alison Headley’s site and a few things she has said recently have spoken to me. She is participating in an a writing prompt event called Radvent engineered by Megan Hunt owner of Princess Lasertron and thought today’s topic was interesting. This very thing has been on my brain lately. I have some festering resentments and I’m not sure how to let them go.

Her topic for today is:

“It’s hard to come out of a place of resentment, and it takes practice (just like everything). Practice forgiving about small, everyday things. You can always non-forgive later. Who and what are you ready to let go of resentment toward?”

I really was thinking of this exact topic literally just a few days ago. I think I have narrowed my list down to four that I really need to let the resentment go on. I have blinded some of the particulars because I don’t feel like outing them if they read this.

1. A male family member. I haven’t spoken with this person in years and years and years. I am not sure I want to. I want to forgive. I know exactly what led to our issues and there was legitimate abuse issues at play. I guess what leads to the bubbling resentment is the killing of an innocence that went down. The betrayal of truth on so many levels. I’m not angry at all. That’s long gone. It’s just hurt. How could he call my father and say such ugly things about me? How could he judge my best friend while doing so wrong and all in the name of a religion that is based on the ultimate love? How could he think that I was bad for his children who I loved so much? And how could he try and talk to me about it – when my Grandfather Worth was passing into the next place? I know I have my own culpability in being so feverish and young in my views (23 is a time when you just “knew” without any life experience right?). I ignored our very very very different philosophical views because we seemed so similar in our humor. I even felt so comfortable that I mocked people I love and that have loved me because we were on a roll. That feeling leaves huge burning holes in guilt shapes all over my heart. I know that when I drove into Dallas after a harrowing, flu-filled escape and into my house, my parents have never ever looked better. Dallas has never looked better. All at a time when I was desperate to establish myself and I was terrified of job prospects and EVERYTHING SEEMED SO INTENSE.

So I need to practice letting this go. Acknowledging that this member of my family-my blood, was in an equally intense situation, viewing his life through his own cracked abuse perception mirror and trying in his own way to do what was best for his family. He made errors, I made errors. Why hold on to it for 17 years? Time to let it go. Or try.

2. Exes. Funny thing about this resentment is that they aren’t even my exes. Two are friend’s exes who recently have shown their true stripes. This is about my need to protect kicking in. However in both cases my friends are the big winners because their lives are so much better now. So it’s more a residual incredulity at the situation. The third ex has little to do with the break-up and a lot to do with a third party. I’m in the middle with a role that isn’t really defined by law or society. Not to mention that the ex in this case has gone out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable, lied to, betrayed, unheard and unwelcome. I willingly gave 100% to the third party and will continue to do so. He is an innocent. But I feel hurt and betrayed about a decision he made. And again I get the factors that made this happen but making my heart and head match has proved difficult. And his decision isn’t the main resentment here. It’s knowing that I have no real say in the outcome but I give 100% in terms of love. And even typing that makes me realize that this entire number 2 is about control. Wow.

Now I feel like I’m the asshole at Christmas that gives a gift and is pissed that the reciprocal gift isn’t up to my standards. Clearly I need to release number 2 into the universe without strings and trust that I am not in control and that it’s not about return but about intent.

3. My husband. He isn’t perfect and doesn’t read my mind and doesn’t do what I want him to do all the time. Fancy that. I had more on this but in again it’s about control. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some issues that we are working on. But I realized the other day, he/we had fallen into a pattern that he was used to and one where he knew how to respond. Not in the way I wanted him to respond but in the one he grew up in. To get a different result and a new view, we have to change the pattern. Both of us. So it is about the hard work of marriage.

4. Myself. Wow this is the biggest and hardest one. I hold myself 1000% more accountable and less accountable than anyone else. How can I be both? Well everything above that I am angry about is me being angry at myself. The undertone to almost everything I say and don’t say is about how I hold myself in regards. I am angry at myself for not being more aware at a younger age, I am angry at myself for not protecting those I love, I am angry at myself for not being able to have a child, I am angry at myself for falling into old patterns, I am angry at myself for not having more discipline, more self control, not being more aware of fashion, being overweight, being less service oriented, feeling resentful, having a house that isn’t clean and tidy, wanting to watch crap television instead of reading, not writing more, not doing more things for myself and over all anything else that you can think of I am mad at myself about. I show this everyday in my decisions and my words and my presentation and my life. It leaks out into a cloud that surrounds me. It shows itself in my huge issue with death. I’m not done because I have to prove myself to my parents, my friends, my peers that I am enough. That I am not an embarrassment or that I have enough worth to be. Each passing means a lost chance to make my mark with that person.

Recently I had to stand out and up to a situation that I normally would have caved to. It made me say in words and in deed, that I matter and that I have worth and equal footing. It was the ABSOLUTELY the hardest conversation I have had in a long long while. It was uncomfortable and to this day still makes me cringe thinking of it. It was a huge step forward. Even though someone counseled me that it should have been a step further where I was the one in more worth, I came to the table and said, I need to be equal or I’m out.

So the biggest resentment, the biggest anger, the most forgiveness has to be with myself. How do you get yourself where you are not an ego maniac, are spiritually present, humble and yet 100% aware of your worth. I have always equated love with sacrifice. In a statement where I will forgo my needs for yours. And lately that doesn’t sit well. It rubs in a way I know is my signal for inauthentic.

I certainly don’t have this one figured out. I’m stumbling toward awareness but it is definitely tender days right now.