I took a little time last night to do a meditation. I wish I could do the “be silent and push all thoughts out kind of meditation”. I’m not there yet. I’m in the “holy shit I need to have some white noise, guided meditation” realm still.

It was revelatory to say the least. There is a whole process in this particular meditation about bringing up resentments and dis-satisfactions and releasing them to God for those to be handled. Naming them and then releasing them and asking for help in that release and movement forward. I found this process pretty interesting last night.

1. I’m horrible at naming resentments until they burst forth. Usually in some kind of weird girl talk or disagreement with my beloved moment. Both usually leave me with that blank stare of “wow that’s so obvious how did I miss it” in my eyes. Clearly I need to work on this process.

2. Asking for help in that release is always interesting to me too – I never think to ask to let go of resentments. I pray for outcomes. I ask for where I want to be. This was the first time I sat in that spot and really let all the stuff boil up and sat with it for a moment.

What came up for me and out of me was this:
— I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck for awhile. Both in my finances and home cleaning work, my fitness, my balance. I have made good strides toward undoing the rut but there are many times when I roll back into my rut and sigh frustratedly. I keep trying to roll or right turn out of my rut but lose the momentum or the energy to keep that going. Mentally I’m here.

What bubbled up – when I was meditating. I’m stuck for a reason. I want to be here. I haven’t moved past this because there is something keeping me here. I haven’t honored what led me here, mourned the feelings that bring me back, sat in my stuckedness and thanked it for teaching me the lessons I need to be taught. I’m like a bear that has it’s paw stuck in a trap and rather than sit and think for a minute, the pain of the stuck has me gnawing at the barbs and pulling and straining to move forward. It’s a pattern with me, always wanting to be in the past or the future, never where I am.

This rut. This stuck. I need to sit with it and be thankful that it’s here. Yes, there are “things to do” but right now, I’m here. I need to sit and face those things that brought me here. The decisions, the actions – and interestingly the non-actions that have me in this exact spot.

One conclusion I “discovered” – Basically my desire to be liked and or loved has led me to this exact spot. I will make conscious and unconscious decisions again and again to sacrifice myself rather than other people. Which in a weird backwards way, I take as noble. I’m saving them=> I’m protecting them=> I’m sacrificing for them=> They need me=> They’ll appreciate me=> They will love me, like me, accept me, understand me. It’s a vicious cycle with exit ramps to unhappiness all over the place.

This rut which appears so different on the outside goes back initially to the psychic wound of my youth. I cracked my perception mirror there. After that the looking glass was broken and while I have done a lot to piece it back together, I have found a trauma once inflicted leaves my perception somewhat skewed. Looking at it through the lens of last night’s thoughts – I see it clearly as shame and unworthiness. Wrapped up in these acceptable emotions of protection or desire to be liked. I felt unprotected / unshielded and I set out from that day forward to protect people. My family growing up, even called me “Captain Protector”. I thought I had moved past this. In fact, I have moved just not quite past it. The wound has healed but the resin remains. A deep message buried inside me says – “You aren’t worthy” and that’s why you weren’t protected. Over the years, I have wrapped that message in many hats to make it less hurtful.

Let’s diagram this out, shall we?
1. Babysitter makes moves on a 7 year old.

2. I tell my parents one thing that is enough to get his ass kicked and me protected but not enough to get open dialogue and therapy (that didn’t get fixed on both fronts till my 20s).

3. I internalize messages about shame, control, vulnerability, protection – at the root – I am sacrificial. Protection, vulnerability wrap together tightly. Control is another sticky wicket that comes frothing up in good time.

4. As I continue to grow up, elementary school, middle school, high school – it was important for me to protect the kids that were picked on (even though I was one of those) and sacrifice myself to be liked. Thinking of it I can remember swallowing that bubble in my gut so that I had friends. That feeling that this isn’t right – the confrontation in words that said, I mattered, being subjugated for some made up imaginary need to be liked. And once I was liked even if it was easy to push and pull me around by that chain, I had to be loyal. And I just buried ever freaking feeling deep. As you can guess it was fairly easy to manipulate me. Pretty easy to see why the weight went on as well. All the swallowing and control issues came back in angsty teenagery ways.

5. My college and twenties – the break up of some of these issues begins. Therapy helps, as does just being pissed off for a few years. It’s still there though. Protection has moved to just my friends and loved ones, sacrificing myself moves into buying things for people or trying to equate money with love. I find true people buried in amongst the ranks and start to discover authenticity.

6. 29 – And I have to face something I don’t want to face. I have to stop being a victim and make a decision that I don’t want to do. I have begun to equate animals with unconditional love and I can protect that unconditional love by having pets. I put up with tons of horrible behavior because animals are to me like God’s love. 29 and December 23rd – I have to put a dog to sleep not because it’s sick but because it’s the only thing I can do. Specifics don’t matter. I own it but I mourn and mourn and mourn it.

7. My thirties. I think of them gloriously – I find myself. I start to see Norma who is my counselor and she helps me unwind this ball bit by bit. It takes off and on – most of my 30’s (6 years – 3 intensively) to understand that loyalty to people who treat me like shit is not loyalty. That lying and being someone else to please people is not good and boundaries personally are very good. I let go of many toxic people in my life and gain almost immediately the best, most real people I have ever known. I love the authenticity and I begin to believe many of the issues I’ve struggled with are gone. I feel centered and at peace. I start to recognize the warning signs and what my body and God has been saying to me all along. I start to honor those feelings.

8. The Stuck. I would say this begin in 2008 or 2009 but I think it’s traced back to 2005. While the personal in my thirties is moving along in a great way, the business is rough. I channel 100% of myself into driving myself into a brick wall until I just can’t stand up anymore. I drain my finances, I lose friends, I make decisions I regret, I owe money to people – it’s a beat down. I lose perspective and drive myself again and again and again into a wall because I don’t want to be a failure. I gain more weight. I lose my balance. I am broke and broken in many ways. I retreat into myself – my house. I pull back from lots of things. I am a broken record, predictable in thought processes and behavior. Friends and family give me that look. The “pity” look. The “are you ok” look. And truly – honestly, I am not ok. Not even remotely ok. I can bring up a few reasons why. I blame the business. I blame the money. I blame the hubbie. I have no hope. I begin to sink.

I see people reaching out to me. Almost like in a movie, I can see them. I can hear them. But they seem so far away. I appreciate their attempts to save me but I am “the victim” and I am already lost.

Until I am not.

9. The Unwind. I’m not unwound. Completely. My forties which is almost an entire year. I would say that is when I start to unwind. Things have gotten as low as they can get. I think. Never tempt fate and say you are as low as you can go. Fate will laugh and throw you some more.

I realize now that I was trying to get out of my rut. Through a series of happenstances and weird crooks and crannies, I took a business right turn and so far it has led me toward the light. It really is about letting go your hand and trusting yourself but we are not there yet. Along the way, I didn’t always communicate what I was doing and I just wanted that stuck off my paw so bad, I did things to save myself that I didn’t even know I was doing at the time. The instinctual need to survive kicked in and I made a series of gut choices. Consequently the path back from the darkest hole has been fraught with starts and stops. Personally things had fallen apart in many ways with my hubbie and we were at that point that all couples come to. The one where you think to yourself – “this isn’t fun anymore”. Mistakes were made. On both sides. I see the why’s a bit more clearly. And even without a flow chart and a laser pointer I can correlate much of it to lack of communication and self-awareness on both our parts.

The most important part is that through these decisions and moves and fights and drama and conversations and tears and what I would sum up to be not an easy time – I see the light. The light that is hope. I forget about the death of the old company and start to build with the components of what was left. I am starting to see again the string that I left myself to get out of this hole. Its during this time that I have to back up in action and deed and word – a decision that translates to “I matter”. I avoid this conversation like the plague until I can’t anymore. I’m sweating and unsure and deep down I want to fall on the sword and take the hit. But I remember that feeling of uncomfortableness – the boundary line and the physical memories of swallowing my worth and it bubbles up. I have to stand up and say – I won’t move forward unless I’m equal. I matter. I do it but it almost kills me. I talked about it here in a previous entry.

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So here we are. Not stuck but not unstuck. Rolling between the edges and realizing that I am here because of that one part of me unwilling to suffer anymore has started to come forward. We are here because I needed to hear myself and until I did, something deep in my unconscious was unwilling to let me go forward.

So I am going to sit in this place a bit. I don’t have to rush to move to the next stage or next place.

The house is a pit because I needed my solace and my retreat. I was pushing everyone and everything away. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see myself because I didn’t want to see myself period. Financially I’m where I’m at because I put everyone first and took the hit financially and ultimately you can’t run a business on making people happy.

What does a world look like where I matter? It’s such a new thought to me. So foreign, that I need to model this after someone. Not a Donald Trump asshole but someone that matches my beliefs. I will be looking for this role model so I can make a bracelet that says WW?D. Perhaps I’ll invent this person. I am going to examine this space more. Think before I jump, listen to my authenticity string and wait for it to vibrate more. Slow down. Look around. There are clues here in my space about what I want. What my life would look like if I matter and my wants were not shoved down. I just need to stop and rest for awhile and be ok with where I am at.

For the first time in a long time. This feels right. This feels good. The path I’m on. I’m not looking ahead. I’m just where I am at. I think that is the new phrase for “it is what it is”. I am where I am.