Not much. Reading.
Sleeping.

The anger has subsided and with it the desire to be productive.

Work I have it. Duties I have them. Responsibilities they are there.
My ability to care about them. Very little.

Oh I hear the shoulds. I hear the needs. I just am paralyzed at this moment.
Why should I struggle to do the things that keep up the appearance that my life is ok. It’s not ok.
It fell the fuck apart. Not for nothing, I ripped the seams out my self. They needed to be ripped. Things had to change but when the stuffing of your life is out all over the floor, it’s hard to look at it and want it to be neat and tidy again.

I am acknowledging this is a hard place right now. It’s an ugly place. It’s where my therapist warned me would be there when the anger started to subside. The tide of it washing out and bringing with it the feelings. Unaligned, ugly, powerful and right now it’s hard for me to do anything other than sit in them. Which is inconvenient but apparently where I am.

harumph.

I came home to a leaking overflow pipe on my air conditioning.
It’s just another thing. Nothing that couldn’t be addressed by a phone call, good friends, a consult and scooping the 1 foot deep amount of cat litter and cat shit from outside the window where my ex threw it.

It’s just another thing.
I keep learning more and more about someone I really thought I knew. Someone that I thought would never say the things he says, would do things that he is doing and done but as I find another thing, or scoop another pile or uncover another layer. It’s all laid bare.

For me, I’ve tried to exit this relationship with grace. Not for him or anyone else. But this is the hard part. When he is making himself the victim and me the ugly person. I have not responded to his bait and I won’t. But what is the point?

But this is the process. The unlearning of what you thought you knew. The stumbling disappointment that break-ups produce. I just wish it didn’t have hurt the toe you stub so much. Or the heart.

How did I get here?

Talking with my business partner. I let some of the chaos of this last week slip into our discussion. I have worked hard to not use the last few weeks as an excuse. Work has helped but the client we have is unpleasable and that is one of my hot points. I like to be liked. I like to be pleasing and in life and work apparently the line blurs for me. It’s something I’m working on and it bubbled over. My partner was understanding and we talked about some things he has done in affirmations. So I promised him I would put some down on paper. I found a page of a bunch of them and I wrote down the ones that spoke to me, which probably is as telling as the ones that didn’t.

• I am perfectly where I am supposed to be on my Spiritual Path and I am being guided Home.
• I have within myself the answers to all my needs.
• I have a right to come to my own conclusions.
• I trust and follow my inner guidance.
• I picture abundance for myself and others.
• I have a right to make mistakes.
• I have a right to be wrong.
• I can say what I feel.
• I can ask for what I want.
• I am free to be me.
• I do not need to prove myself.
• I am entitled to good.
• My debts represent my & others beliefs in my future earning ability.
• I am a success to the degree that I feel warm and loving to myself.
• God wants me to be happy, healthy, Loved, and successful!

Soon to be divorced. It’s not something I have talked about extensively on this site. Not that it’s a huge secret but out of respect, I have chosen to not spill dirty details here.

The facts. I’m separated. Filing this week. It’s not saveable but I’m not going to dish and blame and rant here. It’s not going to do anything but make matters worse.

However, this is my space to process and so I will be doing that. So far, what I have been doing is sitting with my feelings. Letting them wash over me when they come. At first the cycle was so fast and so intense. Anger, disbelief, shame, rage, guilt, sadness, relief, acceptance, resolved. Want a new emotion, wait a moment.

Right this second. I have been doing work on the house. I have made good strides taking back my house. Slowly and sometimes fast as I move forward. My family, my tribe have had my back in a way that I can’t thank enough. I want to stand up and for the first time in awhile not feel like people are thinking, “poor Tina”. It’s not even they are saying it, I’m feeling it.

I have also been taking time to notice things that please me: (in no order)

• less drama than I have had in three or more years
• going to bed and having the whole bed and my side not deflating in the middle of the night
• more open communication with my friends and family that I have had to swallow for years
• not feeling like a sinking ship
• cleaning out, cleaning out, cleaning out
• knowing my reality is the reality
• knowing the other shoe dropped and I am still standing

I’m sure there is more but for now. This is what I’m processing.