There are some days.  You just can’t win for losing.

I have desperately wanted to be more ok with No.  Saying it, not couching it, or being quiet about it.  But what I’m finding is that to say NO you have to know what you want.  First.  I have had a few scenarios that came up and basically I said no, let me think about it,  trying to be nice or really when I don’t care just saying I don’t care.  But lately my authenticity alarm has been thrumming like a banjo.  The plucking of expectations put on me, draped on me.   If I don’t answer with the right amount of appreciation, or the right adjective, or the right whatever – I feel pushed.  And lately I have felt that I’m the only one that can read different people and get the subtext and re-adjust.  It’s like I know the under current of the situation and I work to make it smooth.  And person X didn’t understand person X and now somehow I’m the go between.  Then I feel like it’s a situation somehow I have to fix.  Which I KNOW IS NOT TRUE.

I wish I was one of those people who thought on their feet.  Who knew what they wanted in that exact moment.  Who didn’t read the room and work to make it amicable for all.   One who could present the truth, my truth and in an intellectual way set that boundary.

Blah blah blah.  Just today with a wish on a star kind of feeling.