This is probably been brewing awhile and doesn’t really apply to personal life versus work life. It’s just making me crazy and I’m hitting my point where I am going to lose my temper and anyone that knows me, knows how long it takes for me to lose my temper.

Here is my list of things that is making me crazy right now:

1. If you give me a date or we agree to a date for things being due, don’t view that date as flexible. I am giving my clients these dates and the more you make me look like an asshole, the more I don’t want to work with you.

2. If you give me an estimate for a project and you don’t read the requirements or dig in to what the project is until we are hip deep into the deadline and then you want to up the price and/or back out. I will hate you with a 1000 pinpoints of laser anger. I may have to still work with you to get out of this mess but my blood pressure and your anti-karma points will rise considerably.

3. If you are a client and I have bent over backwards to make your shit good and work and you still don’t get it and are “nickle and diming” me for HUGE changes and throwing around your weight, bravado and ego, I don’t want to help you succeed. For me to lose empathy is huge.

4. If you have been a client of mine forever and I have gone over and beyond to help you company succeed and you set me up to fail without or worse lie to me and make me look like an ass and then BLAME me. I want to immediately start charging you the “asshole” tax and your goals stop being a priority to me.

Do I sound bitter? I am. Do I sound pissed? I am.
I’m tired, so tired of putting 100% of my self into getting business done and finding that people and companies are slumping it or worse sandbagging me.

• I know everyone has pressures and there is politics but you know what, I have always been upfront and honest with you.
• I have always sacrificed my time and sometimes my profits for you
• I have always given you the benefit of the doubt, whether you are client, vendor, freelancer or employee

If want to look back and find out where I went from someone who was easy going and always willing to understand to someone who doesn’t care about your personal issues, your other obligations, or your fucking feelings, this is the point.

If you give me a date and you don’t meet it, it consider your ass fired. If you want a bid and need a cheap price, go find another fucking company. I have the experience, the knowledge and the talent and that comes with a price.

The days where I give a rat’s ass about anyone else’s ASS is over.

12 years owning a company and my compassion and empathy just died.
I buried in the back with my desire to date and my need to find “Mr. Right”.

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
And as I climb into an empty bed,
Oh well, enough said,
I know it’s over still I cling,
I don’t know where else I can go,
Over.
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
See the sea wants to take me,
The knife wants to slit me,
Do you think you can help me,
Sad veiled bride please be happy,
Handsome groom give her room,
Loud loutish lover treat her kindly,
Though she needs you more than she loves you,
I know it’s over – still I cling,
I don’t know where else I can go – over; Over.
I know it’s over and it never really began,
But in my heart it was so real,
And you even spoke to me and said,
“If you’re so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?”
“And if you’re so clever then why are you on your own tonight?”
“And if you’re so very entertaining then why are you on your own tonight?”
“And if you’re so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?”
I know,
Because tonight is just like any other night,
That’s why you’re on your own tonight,
With your triumphs and your charms,
while they’re in each other’s arms,
It’s so easy to laugh it’s so easy to hate,
it takes strength to be gentle and kind,
over and over and over.
It’s so easy to laugh it’s so easy to hate,
It takes guts to be gentle and kind,
Over, over.
Love is natural and real,
But not for you my love,
Not tonight my love.
Love is natural and real,
But not for such as you and I my love,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head,
Ohhh-ohh,
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head.

I hate that first walk. The one you do when you start your exercise program anew. After a long time and a couch. I always think, in my head that I’m much more athletic than I am. My body reminds me that no, I haven’t walked in a long long time. That I haven’t done activity like that in awhile. I’ll get my stamina up again but that first walk. Is always so disheartening because I’m so slow and so winded. Ahhhh. At least I’m moving again.

Not much. Reading.
Sleeping.

The anger has subsided and with it the desire to be productive.

Work I have it. Duties I have them. Responsibilities they are there.
My ability to care about them. Very little.

Oh I hear the shoulds. I hear the needs. I just am paralyzed at this moment.
Why should I struggle to do the things that keep up the appearance that my life is ok. It’s not ok.
It fell the fuck apart. Not for nothing, I ripped the seams out my self. They needed to be ripped. Things had to change but when the stuffing of your life is out all over the floor, it’s hard to look at it and want it to be neat and tidy again.

I am acknowledging this is a hard place right now. It’s an ugly place. It’s where my therapist warned me would be there when the anger started to subside. The tide of it washing out and bringing with it the feelings. Unaligned, ugly, powerful and right now it’s hard for me to do anything other than sit in them. Which is inconvenient but apparently where I am.

harumph.

I came home to a leaking overflow pipe on my air conditioning.
It’s just another thing. Nothing that couldn’t be addressed by a phone call, good friends, a consult and scooping the 1 foot deep amount of cat litter and cat shit from outside the window where my ex threw it.

It’s just another thing.
I keep learning more and more about someone I really thought I knew. Someone that I thought would never say the things he says, would do things that he is doing and done but as I find another thing, or scoop another pile or uncover another layer. It’s all laid bare.

For me, I’ve tried to exit this relationship with grace. Not for him or anyone else. But this is the hard part. When he is making himself the victim and me the ugly person. I have not responded to his bait and I won’t. But what is the point?

But this is the process. The unlearning of what you thought you knew. The stumbling disappointment that break-ups produce. I just wish it didn’t have hurt the toe you stub so much. Or the heart.

How did I get here?

Talking with my business partner. I let some of the chaos of this last week slip into our discussion. I have worked hard to not use the last few weeks as an excuse. Work has helped but the client we have is unpleasable and that is one of my hot points. I like to be liked. I like to be pleasing and in life and work apparently the line blurs for me. It’s something I’m working on and it bubbled over. My partner was understanding and we talked about some things he has done in affirmations. So I promised him I would put some down on paper. I found a page of a bunch of them and I wrote down the ones that spoke to me, which probably is as telling as the ones that didn’t.

• I am perfectly where I am supposed to be on my Spiritual Path and I am being guided Home.
• I have within myself the answers to all my needs.
• I have a right to come to my own conclusions.
• I trust and follow my inner guidance.
• I picture abundance for myself and others.
• I have a right to make mistakes.
• I have a right to be wrong.
• I can say what I feel.
• I can ask for what I want.
• I am free to be me.
• I do not need to prove myself.
• I am entitled to good.
• My debts represent my & others beliefs in my future earning ability.
• I am a success to the degree that I feel warm and loving to myself.
• God wants me to be happy, healthy, Loved, and successful!