Soon to be divorced. It’s not something I have talked about extensively on this site. Not that it’s a huge secret but out of respect, I have chosen to not spill dirty details here.

The facts. I’m separated. Filing this week. It’s not saveable but I’m not going to dish and blame and rant here. It’s not going to do anything but make matters worse.

However, this is my space to process and so I will be doing that. So far, what I have been doing is sitting with my feelings. Letting them wash over me when they come. At first the cycle was so fast and so intense. Anger, disbelief, shame, rage, guilt, sadness, relief, acceptance, resolved. Want a new emotion, wait a moment.

Right this second. I have been doing work on the house. I have made good strides taking back my house. Slowly and sometimes fast as I move forward. My family, my tribe have had my back in a way that I can’t thank enough. I want to stand up and for the first time in awhile not feel like people are thinking, “poor Tina”. It’s not even they are saying it, I’m feeling it.

I have also been taking time to notice things that please me: (in no order)

• less drama than I have had in three or more years
• going to bed and having the whole bed and my side not deflating in the middle of the night
• more open communication with my friends and family that I have had to swallow for years
• not feeling like a sinking ship
• cleaning out, cleaning out, cleaning out
• knowing my reality is the reality
• knowing the other shoe dropped and I am still standing

I’m sure there is more but for now. This is what I’m processing.

I took a little time last night to do a meditation. I wish I could do the “be silent and push all thoughts out kind of meditation”. I’m not there yet. I’m in the “holy shit I need to have some white noise, guided meditation” realm still.

It was revelatory to say the least. There is a whole process in this particular meditation about bringing up resentments and dis-satisfactions and releasing them to God for those to be handled. Naming them and then releasing them and asking for help in that release and movement forward. I found this process pretty interesting last night.

1. I’m horrible at naming resentments until they burst forth. Usually in some kind of weird girl talk or disagreement with my beloved moment. Both usually leave me with that blank stare of “wow that’s so obvious how did I miss it” in my eyes. Clearly I need to work on this process.

2. Asking for help in that release is always interesting to me too – I never think to ask to let go of resentments. I pray for outcomes. I ask for where I want to be. This was the first time I sat in that spot and really let all the stuff boil up and sat with it for a moment.

What came up for me and out of me was this:
— I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck for awhile. Both in my finances and home cleaning work, my fitness, my balance. I have made good strides toward undoing the rut but there are many times when I roll back into my rut and sigh frustratedly. I keep trying to roll or right turn out of my rut but lose the momentum or the energy to keep that going. Mentally I’m here.

What bubbled up – when I was meditating. I’m stuck for a reason. I want to be here. I haven’t moved past this because there is something keeping me here. I haven’t honored what led me here, mourned the feelings that bring me back, sat in my stuckedness and thanked it for teaching me the lessons I need to be taught. I’m like a bear that has it’s paw stuck in a trap and rather than sit and think for a minute, the pain of the stuck has me gnawing at the barbs and pulling and straining to move forward. It’s a pattern with me, always wanting to be in the past or the future, never where I am.

This rut. This stuck. I need to sit with it and be thankful that it’s here. Yes, there are “things to do” but right now, I’m here. I need to sit and face those things that brought me here. The decisions, the actions – and interestingly the non-actions that have me in this exact spot.

One conclusion I “discovered” – Basically my desire to be liked and or loved has led me to this exact spot. I will make conscious and unconscious decisions again and again to sacrifice myself rather than other people. Which in a weird backwards way, I take as noble. I’m saving them=> I’m protecting them=> I’m sacrificing for them=> They need me=> They’ll appreciate me=> They will love me, like me, accept me, understand me. It’s a vicious cycle with exit ramps to unhappiness all over the place.

This rut which appears so different on the outside goes back initially to the psychic wound of my youth. I cracked my perception mirror there. After that the looking glass was broken and while I have done a lot to piece it back together, I have found a trauma once inflicted leaves my perception somewhat skewed. Looking at it through the lens of last night’s thoughts – I see it clearly as shame and unworthiness. Wrapped up in these acceptable emotions of protection or desire to be liked. I felt unprotected / unshielded and I set out from that day forward to protect people. My family growing up, even called me “Captain Protector”. I thought I had moved past this. In fact, I have moved just not quite past it. The wound has healed but the resin remains. A deep message buried inside me says – “You aren’t worthy” and that’s why you weren’t protected. Over the years, I have wrapped that message in many hats to make it less hurtful.

Let’s diagram this out, shall we?
1. Babysitter makes moves on a 7 year old.

2. I tell my parents one thing that is enough to get his ass kicked and me protected but not enough to get open dialogue and therapy (that didn’t get fixed on both fronts till my 20s).

3. I internalize messages about shame, control, vulnerability, protection – at the root – I am sacrificial. Protection, vulnerability wrap together tightly. Control is another sticky wicket that comes frothing up in good time.

4. As I continue to grow up, elementary school, middle school, high school – it was important for me to protect the kids that were picked on (even though I was one of those) and sacrifice myself to be liked. Thinking of it I can remember swallowing that bubble in my gut so that I had friends. That feeling that this isn’t right – the confrontation in words that said, I mattered, being subjugated for some made up imaginary need to be liked. And once I was liked even if it was easy to push and pull me around by that chain, I had to be loyal. And I just buried ever freaking feeling deep. As you can guess it was fairly easy to manipulate me. Pretty easy to see why the weight went on as well. All the swallowing and control issues came back in angsty teenagery ways.

5. My college and twenties – the break up of some of these issues begins. Therapy helps, as does just being pissed off for a few years. It’s still there though. Protection has moved to just my friends and loved ones, sacrificing myself moves into buying things for people or trying to equate money with love. I find true people buried in amongst the ranks and start to discover authenticity.

6. 29 – And I have to face something I don’t want to face. I have to stop being a victim and make a decision that I don’t want to do. I have begun to equate animals with unconditional love and I can protect that unconditional love by having pets. I put up with tons of horrible behavior because animals are to me like God’s love. 29 and December 23rd – I have to put a dog to sleep not because it’s sick but because it’s the only thing I can do. Specifics don’t matter. I own it but I mourn and mourn and mourn it.

7. My thirties. I think of them gloriously – I find myself. I start to see Norma who is my counselor and she helps me unwind this ball bit by bit. It takes off and on – most of my 30’s (6 years – 3 intensively) to understand that loyalty to people who treat me like shit is not loyalty. That lying and being someone else to please people is not good and boundaries personally are very good. I let go of many toxic people in my life and gain almost immediately the best, most real people I have ever known. I love the authenticity and I begin to believe many of the issues I’ve struggled with are gone. I feel centered and at peace. I start to recognize the warning signs and what my body and God has been saying to me all along. I start to honor those feelings.

8. The Stuck. I would say this begin in 2008 or 2009 but I think it’s traced back to 2005. While the personal in my thirties is moving along in a great way, the business is rough. I channel 100% of myself into driving myself into a brick wall until I just can’t stand up anymore. I drain my finances, I lose friends, I make decisions I regret, I owe money to people – it’s a beat down. I lose perspective and drive myself again and again and again into a wall because I don’t want to be a failure. I gain more weight. I lose my balance. I am broke and broken in many ways. I retreat into myself – my house. I pull back from lots of things. I am a broken record, predictable in thought processes and behavior. Friends and family give me that look. The “pity” look. The “are you ok” look. And truly – honestly, I am not ok. Not even remotely ok. I can bring up a few reasons why. I blame the business. I blame the money. I blame the hubbie. I have no hope. I begin to sink.

I see people reaching out to me. Almost like in a movie, I can see them. I can hear them. But they seem so far away. I appreciate their attempts to save me but I am “the victim” and I am already lost.

Until I am not.

9. The Unwind. I’m not unwound. Completely. My forties which is almost an entire year. I would say that is when I start to unwind. Things have gotten as low as they can get. I think. Never tempt fate and say you are as low as you can go. Fate will laugh and throw you some more.

I realize now that I was trying to get out of my rut. Through a series of happenstances and weird crooks and crannies, I took a business right turn and so far it has led me toward the light. It really is about letting go your hand and trusting yourself but we are not there yet. Along the way, I didn’t always communicate what I was doing and I just wanted that stuck off my paw so bad, I did things to save myself that I didn’t even know I was doing at the time. The instinctual need to survive kicked in and I made a series of gut choices. Consequently the path back from the darkest hole has been fraught with starts and stops. Personally things had fallen apart in many ways with my hubbie and we were at that point that all couples come to. The one where you think to yourself – “this isn’t fun anymore”. Mistakes were made. On both sides. I see the why’s a bit more clearly. And even without a flow chart and a laser pointer I can correlate much of it to lack of communication and self-awareness on both our parts.

The most important part is that through these decisions and moves and fights and drama and conversations and tears and what I would sum up to be not an easy time – I see the light. The light that is hope. I forget about the death of the old company and start to build with the components of what was left. I am starting to see again the string that I left myself to get out of this hole. Its during this time that I have to back up in action and deed and word – a decision that translates to “I matter”. I avoid this conversation like the plague until I can’t anymore. I’m sweating and unsure and deep down I want to fall on the sword and take the hit. But I remember that feeling of uncomfortableness – the boundary line and the physical memories of swallowing my worth and it bubbles up. I have to stand up and say – I won’t move forward unless I’m equal. I matter. I do it but it almost kills me. I talked about it here in a previous entry.

———————

So here we are. Not stuck but not unstuck. Rolling between the edges and realizing that I am here because of that one part of me unwilling to suffer anymore has started to come forward. We are here because I needed to hear myself and until I did, something deep in my unconscious was unwilling to let me go forward.

So I am going to sit in this place a bit. I don’t have to rush to move to the next stage or next place.

The house is a pit because I needed my solace and my retreat. I was pushing everyone and everything away. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see myself because I didn’t want to see myself period. Financially I’m where I’m at because I put everyone first and took the hit financially and ultimately you can’t run a business on making people happy.

What does a world look like where I matter? It’s such a new thought to me. So foreign, that I need to model this after someone. Not a Donald Trump asshole but someone that matches my beliefs. I will be looking for this role model so I can make a bracelet that says WW?D. Perhaps I’ll invent this person. I am going to examine this space more. Think before I jump, listen to my authenticity string and wait for it to vibrate more. Slow down. Look around. There are clues here in my space about what I want. What my life would look like if I matter and my wants were not shoved down. I just need to stop and rest for awhile and be ok with where I am at.

For the first time in a long time. This feels right. This feels good. The path I’m on. I’m not looking ahead. I’m just where I am at. I think that is the new phrase for “it is what it is”. I am where I am.

I was listening to a droopy E-harmony or Match.com commercial and they were saying it matched that girl with someone with her core values. So I was thinking. I know I have core values, but I don’t think I would recognize them if they rolled up and bumped me in bum. So I just wanted to start at the beginning and ask myself – what is truly important to me as a woman, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, colleague, partner, step-Mother – all of it?

Truth

Acceptance

Hope

Family/Friends who are family too

Compassion

Connection to Spirit

Growth

Learning

There are a bunch more on a list I found but can’t decide if I like them more or less. Financial Security sounds like a good one, but I have consistently sacrificed security for risk and growth.

Adventure (not really)
Balance (more of a goal then a value to me)
Confidence (I bump up into this one as ego)
Control (I struggle with this one a lot)
Creativity (I used to think I was creative, now I’m just a smart ass)
Discipline (bwahahahahahaha)
Financial Security (see above)
Freedom (umm – I like to know where the lines are)
Fulfillment (seems narcissistic to me)
Forgiveness (I like it but it’s not a value to me)
Fun (goal not a value to me)
God (Spirit is this to me)
Happiness (this is a choice)
Health
Honesty (I value truth over honesty as I think one is a choice and one is a value)
Humor
Independence
Integrity
Kindness
Knowledge
Marriage
Peace of mind
Power
Progress
Reason
Security
Self-reliance
Service
Spirituality
Strength
Success
Truth
Wisdom

Things that are rough:

• The drama of the last few months
• the money stress
• the unknown
• the cycle of the house being clean, dirty, clean, then dirtier
• kittens again (although kitten time does make me happy)
• being numb and unclear about next steps

Things that are better:

• A Kindle 2nd hand, with tons of books on it that I want to read
• my family, especially right now my brother Jeff and my Mom
• my flowering relationship with my MIL
• learning to take steps about asking for help (think Sandra Bullock in 28 Days – “I just need help – RIGHT now”)
• all the cards on the table and a feeling that I can only go up
• self care at Sole Therapy ($35/Dollar for an hour massage on foot / body)

Things that need to happen to get back on course

• a searing and thorough review of my financial situation (I may need reinforcements for this)
• a system that will allow me not to go crazy and a way to keep the house manageable (I feel animals will have to be removed for this)
• a culling of the stuff in the house
• the list of knittering things to be expunged from my head
• a hobby, something that makes me feel more fulfilled
• fix the oven so I can bake and cook again (or again for the first time)
• taking time for myself – Exercise, Dance of Shiva, Meditation
• find a church, spiritual center to get with
• Answer the call of my spirit in terms of service

Things that are making my laugh until I cry

OUCH – I did this with my MacBook Air once.

HAHAHAH – the part about the “how did you hear about us” had me laughing for literally 10 minutes. HUGE props to Jeff for making this comic known to me.

State of the Web is also freaking HILARIOUS!!!

Today I am chatty. VERY chatty. I just had a hour long conversation with my mother. Not that that in itself is odd but my parents have been traveling and I have saved up all my chit chat until today apparently. But we talked about everything and aired out old laundry and let the sunlight of today shine through old hurts of the past. Out in the open those old wounds (and not ones we necessarily caused each other) just seem so – what is the word I’m looking for – they seem like misunderstandings. Like the language and the relationship we have now, could have helped us navigate those pathways so much better.

Where that image’s statement may have been true in the past, I prefer to think that the burning of the bridges are those of things in the past, and they are there to light the way so that my stepchild, and my nieces and nephews and my brothers don’t have to walk on the nails that we walked on.

I’ve been thinking about thankfulness since Thanksgiving. And I say this from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful that my mother and I stuck it out. That we didn’t let the rough years of teenage, college and post college cloud us as we aged. She is fearless in her beliefs and while we sometimes diverge in that path, she taught me so much. Rules I live by today. Family is sacred and you stand by them. What you believe is important and you take action on those beliefs, not just in your head. Compassion is not a weakness. Belief in yourself is not a sin. Quiet strength is still strength. Shared laughter is awesome. Forgiveness is grace.

I am thankful that you are my mother. I’m so blessed and the love I have for you is only equaled by my respect for you as a person.