Music always connects me to a core emotion.  I will hear a song or lyrics and I understand something so much more.

Jeff introduced me to a lovely band and I have been playing their album ever since seeing them.  I have promoted and linked them all over the public sites but the song that has resonated with me is one called November.  The first stanza is:

broken bones dragging along
humming empty words to empty songs
falling through the motions, to a level I had never known
these were disappointed eyes
lit by burning bridges all around
left alone with what I sewn for years and years and years
I was living right where I belonged

I can’t say enough how much this connects with me right now.  The perfect description for how I am looking at life right now is through disappointed eyes.   And left alone with what I saw for years and years and years, living right where I belonged.  Man — it’s like waking up and saying is this is it?

THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I THOUGHT LIFE was supposed to be.  AT all.

The trick though is what I’m finding different than the song.  I am giving up on a rescue.  The magical thinking that there is going to be a lump sum solution.  There isn’t a person man/woman that can fix what’s wrong in my mind.  Or my life.  I don’t like what is there, I have to get up and change it.  I have to get involved in my own reality and stop saying whatever.  Get picky about what I want.

Knowing what makes you happy is tough.  Is it a true love?  Um sure but if that’s not an option.  Is it a great house? Kids?  Animals?  A passionate hobby?  A stunning body?  Gobs of Money?  A successful business?

When you stop putting just one foot in front of the other and look up, what drives you forward?

So am I happy.  No.  I’m not.  Am I depressed.  I am definitely teetering on that edge (and working on getting my meds fixed) but I think this is deeper.  I need to know what fuels me.   I think I have finally stripped out all the drama there is in my life to strip out and what’s left are drama holes.  I have gotten good at resisting filling them back up with more drama but the keening of the empty is hard to take.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just floating around people and saying the things I know I need to say to just be considered alive and participating.  My hearts not really in it.   I think that’s why I crave alone time because at least I don’t have to fake it by myself.  I know I have thought more than once, in going out I feel like i’m just putting on a person suit.

So anyways – I am trying to find something that resonates with me and drives me passionately forward.  To get the spark back and have it be authentic.